I am not sure anyone can inflict more emotional pain and psychological suffering on a person than family. Strangers can steal from you, neighbors can feud with you, but no one can hurt you quite like family. Maybe it is because they are the ones who are supposed to support and encourage us. Maybe it is because we crave their approval and want more than anything for them to be proud of us. Maybe it is because we trust them with our vulnerabilities and insecurities. Whatever it is, no one seems to be able to cause as much pain and suffering as a husband or wife who is unfaithful to their spouse, a parent who walks out on their young child, a child who neglects their parents in their old age, or a sibling who enjoys pointing out all your flaws and faults. No one can hurt you like family can hurt you.
Which is what makes family some of the hardest people on the planet to forgive. It is easier to forgive strangers who steal from you and neighbors who feud with you than it is to forgive family who hurt you. But walking around with a heart full of bitterness and a head full of resentment is not a healthy way to live physically or spiritually. That is not what God wants for you; it is not how He wants you to live your life. God wants you to forgive them; first and foremost, for your own sake God wants you to forgive your family for any and all hurt they have caused you. God knows it’s not easy; God knows forgiving family can be one of the hardest things to do which is why He has preserved for us in the pages of scripture the story Joseph and his brothers; a story of hurt and forgiveness in a family.
Joseph and his brothers are the great grandsons of Abraham, the man who haggled with the LORD in last week’s story. As such they are the children of promise. From one of them will come the savior of the world. But as young men they were far from the perfect patriarchs of God’s great promise. In Genesis 45 we are told Joseph and his brothers have been reunited after being estranged for decades. As the brothers stand before Joseph we are told they “3… were terrified at his presence”. And honestly, rightfully so. These brothers had taken sibling rivalry to whole new level. When Joseph was 17 years old, we are told his brothers “hated him and could not speak a kind word to him”[1]. The brothers were “jealous” because their father loved Joseph more than any of them. The bothers hated Joseph so much that one day when they were out in the fields tending their flocks, they plotted to kill him. Thankfully one of the brothers talks them out of killing Joseph. Instead, they played mind games with Joseph and throw him in a pit. Terrified, Joseph begs them to stop, but they don’t stop. After they are done tormenting Joseph, the brothers sell him into slavery for couple hundred bucks and make up a story to tell their father how Joseph was killed by a wild animal.
20 years later the brothers discover not only did Joseph survive slavery but somehow, he was standing before them as the second most powerful man on the planet. Joseph had become the prince of Egypt, second only to pharaoh. Joseph had the power and authority to exact revenge on his brothers and he had the means and methods to make sure his revenge hurt them more than they had hurt him, and the brothers knew it. Which is why they were terrified at his presence when he said “3… I am Joseph!”.
20 years of guilt caused those words to sound like a threat in the brothers’ ears. But that is not how Joseph meant them. He spoke those words as tears fell from his eyes and his voice choked with emotion. “3… I am Joseph!”, he said. “4… Come close to me”. “5… Do not be distressed and do not be angry with yourselves…”. Joseph explains to his brothers his plan to provide for his father, and brothers and sisters, and nephews and nieces. Joseph throws his arms around his brothers, embraces them, kisses them, and assures them that he has forgiven them.
It is a beautiful story of forgiveness in a family. Don’t you wish a story such as this could be told about your family? Would you like to learn how you can forgive a family member who has hurt you? There are a few things we can learn from Joseph that might help you do just that.
Joseph was able to forgive his brothers because he had time to not only think about what they did to him but what he did to them. When Joseph looked back on his behavior, he was forced to admit he was far from an innocent victim. Joseph knew he was his father’s favorite and frankly he rubbed it in his brothers’ faces. Joseph used to tattle on his brothers so that they would look bad, and he would get special treatment (like that robe of many colors you have no doubt heard about). God gave Joseph dreams that prophesied his rise to power, but instead of pondering the meaning of these dreams in his heart, Joseph bragged about them to his brothers. I am not saying the brothers were justified in the actions, but I am saying, when he was 17, Joseph was a jerk.
I’m also not saying you deserve to be hurt by your family members. I am in no way justifying their sinful behavior. And I recognize sometimes people hurt people for absolutely no reason at all. --If your daddy walked out on you, it’s not your fault. If your spouse is abusing you, it’s not your fault. -- But there are other situations where I think we can look back and admit we really weren’t the innocent victim we likely imagine ourselves to be. Maybe it is just me, but when I look back at the times my family hurt me, I have to admit I was also acting like a jerk. Like I said, maybe it’s just me, maybe you look back and see in yourself a person who is totally above reproach and completely without fault, I doubt it, but maybe. But for the rest of us who fall short of perfection, I think it is important to look back and recognize our faults and failings in any and every situation because it forces us to get down off our high holy horse and stop acting so shocked that someone would dare to treat us with anything less than absolute honor and respect.
I think Joseph did that. I think God gave him 20 years to admit he wasn’t an innocent victim. Those were 20 difficult years by the way. After Joseph was sold into slavery, he ends up a slave in the house of a man named Potiphar. Potiphar is one of Pharaoh’s officials and serves as the captain of the guard. He is an honorable man. Joseph spends 11 years as a slave in Potiphar’s house. During that time, I think Joseph learned honor and integrity from Potiphar; I think he learned how to take care of a family; how to think about other’s needs above his own. Once Joseph learns these lessons Potiphar promotes Joseph to head of his house. Sadly, Potiphar’s wife did not share her husband’s integrity. Seeing that Joseph was a young hunk, she tries to seduce him. When he refuses, she convinces her husband to throw Joseph in prison.
Joseph spends 2 years in the place where the king’s prisoners were confined. While there, Joseph would have learned the uncensored ins and outs of palace life and made some political connections, like Pharaoh’s cupbearer and baker. But what I find most interesting about Joseph’s time in prison is the warden recognized leadership ability in Joseph and put him in charge of the entire prison. In prison, Joseph the prisoner, learned how to lead and serve at the same time.
Joseph’s brothers hurt him, but God used that hurt to help make Joseph the man he needed to be. Joseph recognized that. Twice he told his brothers “5&7 God sent me ahead of you”. The lessons Joseph learned in Potiphar’s house and in the prison taught him how to meet people’s needs as a servant leader. Thankfully there isn’t often a need for administrators who will lead a nation through a 7-year famine. I say thankfully because it seems less likely that you and I will be sold into slavery or spend time in prison. But one of the things God promises us is that the hurt we suffer at the hands of others can be used by our God to help us become the people we need to be. That is what the passage that says “in all things God works for the good of those who love him”[2] means. Now, when we are going through the hurt, we can’t always see how it is helping us; it often takes years maybe even decades to see. But once again I challenge you to look back and see what lessons you learned, what resilience you developed, what insight, empathy, and understanding you gained. Some of life’s most important lesson are the most painful to learn. But I ask you, have not those painful things helped you to become the person you need to be?
Joseph could see how God used the hurt caused by others to help him become the man he needed to be. Years before Joseph is reunited with his brothers, we see he is thankful for his blessings. We are told God blessed Joseph with two sons. “Joseph named his firstborn Manasseh and said, “It is because God has made me forget all my trouble and all my father’s household.” The second son he named Ephraim and said, “It is because God has made me fruitful in the land of my suffering.”[3] I think it is important for us to see Joseph is in a good place long before he sees how sorry his brothers were for the hurt they caused him. Even without an apology, Joseph is able to let go of the bitterness and resentment he felt toward his brothers because Joseph is focused on the goodness of his God. And not just the goodness his God was showing to him, but also the goodness God would show to others through him.
It was Joseph’s focus on God’s goodness that ultimately allows him to forgive his brothers. Because you see, Joseph realized God was using him to do good for others. Joseph tells his brothers that God was using him to “5… save lives” and “7… preserve” the people through whom the savior of the world would come. Joseph recognized God’s goodness was for all people, even hurtful people, like his brothers. Which is why Joseph was ready willing and eager to hear his brothers confess their sin and express their sorrow over the hurt they had caused so that he could say, “I am Joseph and I forgive you”.
It is easy for us to see the goodness of our God; even easier than it was for Joseph. We have Jesus. We have someone who has done much more than save people from famine and preserve a family line. With His life, death, and resurrection Jesus has saved us from damnation and preserved us for all eternity. Those closest to Jesus hurt Him; one sold him for couple hundred dollars and the rest left Him for dead. But let’s not pretend that we have not hurt Jesus just as badly. The prophet reminds us He was pierced for our transgressions and crushed for our iniquities.[4] With our every sin we hurt Jesus. But He forgave His disciples, He forgives us, and He desires to forgive others. In Jesus we see God’s goodness is for all; it is for you, it is for me, and it is for the people who have hurt us, like our families. So let us stand ready, willing, and eager to hear them confess their sins and express sorrow over the hurt they have caused us, so that we can say to them, “I am family and I forgive you.”
No one can hurt you like family hurts you. Which is why it is incredibly difficult to forgive them when they do. But if you can stop seeing yourself as an innocent victim, if you can learn to appreciate how God has used the hurt to help make you the person you need to be, and if you can recognize God’s goodness is for all people then you might just be able to say to that family member who has hurt you, “I forgive you.” May God strengthen us all to that end. Amen.
[1] Genesis 37:4
[2] Romans 8:28
[3] Genesis 41:51-52
[4] Isaiah 53:5